I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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