where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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