I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
he thought i was a dude.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
