I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
