I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
