She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
