I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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