I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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