I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
