he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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