Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
