can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
