ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
