just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize