I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
