By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
