really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
