I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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