new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
