i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
