I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
