You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize