is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
