break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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