For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
