Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
