everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
