Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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