dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
