sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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