the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Drunk is not a location!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
