you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
