He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
