A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
