I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
