the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
