Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize