Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
