Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
