Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
