dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Success! We fucked roommates!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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