Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
