The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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