everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
