every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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