I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
it glows. i had to have it.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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