Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
