Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
is it fun? or sober?
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