idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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