You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
