Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
