Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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