My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
