someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
