I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
