Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
