You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
